Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
