It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
