I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
