"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
