There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
