I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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