gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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