ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
