im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
