All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
