Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
