Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize