Quick, to the slutcave!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
