my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize