So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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