I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
