I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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