Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
