You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
