Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
