She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize