also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize