I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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