forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just had sex bonerless
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
