I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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