i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
