is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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