he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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