You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize