I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize