Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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