Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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