Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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