omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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