did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
