: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
