wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
