Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
