there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
