Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
