Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
not ubering you a puppy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
