Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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