Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize