I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
