just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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