I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
