so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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