Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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