I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
