My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
