I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
