Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Help. Why am I so naked?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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