No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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