Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
