I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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