I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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